Tag Archive | anxiety

Moving is Exhausting

May9

It has been a crazy week. There is so much to unpack and put away. I am physically exhausted from all the carrying stuff around and going up and down the stairs all the time. The bad ankle is not loving me right now. This morning, I hired a professional decorator/organizer to help me. My husband will be doing little to no unpacking because he is so busy with his new job. So she came over and helped me. She did a great job too! I still have a lot left, but I will work on it tomorrow. I need to rest. I’ve been hitting it hard since 7 am. I really look forward to seeing the house all set up. All I will have to do after that is maintain it.

There are two kitchens in the house. The main kitchen is upstairs, and the mini kitchen is downstairs. There’s a wetbar as well, and I have decided to turn that into a painting area because it has a sink. Pastels and acrylics will be downstairs, and all other creative supplies will be in my studio upstairs.

Mentally and physically I feel spent, but tonight we have to attend a social for my husband’s job. I don’t want him to go alone, so I’m trying to rest.

Most people (who are not mentally ill) don’t really understand how much mental illness can make basic functioning difficult. Unpacking and organizing this entire house alone is overwhelming. Anxiety tightens my chest when I see box after box just waiting for me. I need help, and it is so sweet of my husband to let me hire some.

New House

May6

Yesterday my husband and I arrived at our new home. Moving was a fiasco. They were supposed to pick our stuff up on Friday. But first, the company didn’t do the paperwork they needed to do. So we had to sponsor them on base. But then, when they were trying to get on, they crashed into the base gate, so they had to file an accident report. Then they were denied entry because it turned out the driver had a DUI or something. So they had to come back Saturday. It was 530 pm when we got on the road. We drove until midnight, then finished the trip on Sunday. Yesterday we just unpacked the car and tried a local pizza place for dinner.

I feel stressed. The good news is that the house has beautiful hardwood floors, lots of big windows, a nice size yard etc. The bad news is that I am in a busy area. I’d say at least 100 cars an hour have passed my house. I hear road noise. I am terrified of parallel parking, and most areas here require it. It’s stressful.

But still, I must make the most of it. The moving truck comes on Wednesday. Then the real work will begin.

Preparing to Move

Apr30

I purged so much stuff over the weekend and I have more to go. Sadly, I got rid of my treadmill. It takes up a lot of space and the reality is that even though I’m losing weight and a treadmill could help, I am just not physically able to use one. It felt a little bit bitter to admit that, but using the treadmill puts me in awful pain, and I very quickly lose all range of motion in my ankle. So we put my treadmill out on the curb, and another family picked it up. Hopefully it can help them with their health.

Today I need to gather up my Lisa Frank for packing. It’s so expensive that I don’t want the movers to take it. It isn’t that I think anyone would steal them, but I think that if they were damaged in transit, the moving company would refuse to pay the full value for them. They’re going to see a vinyl bag with aliens on it and say 20 bucks when in reality it’s worth 400 and I paid at least 200. All the rainbow bags, tins, boxes, towels, office supplies etc make me feel so much joy. I even have a Zoomer and Zorbit duffle bag, which is pretty much a holy grail item. You never outgrow Lisa Frank. I’m the only girl I know who has “designer” bags with bunnies on them.

Today I’m hoping to paint a lot too. I won’t be able to paint Wed- Sunday.

Yesterday I had horrible anxiety. Anxiety that bad hasn’t hit me in a long time. My husband gave me a Klonopin and I had to sleep it off.

Sick Day

Apr21

I have been throwing up a lot since I woke up today. I feel sweaty and weak and tired. At this point I’m just hoping I can keep my medicine down tonight.

Yesterday we went to a restaurant we won’t have around any more when we move. We grabbed ice cream too.

This coming week is my last full week in this house. I’m trying to be positive. This is a great move for my husband. I need to make the most of it and try to be at my best. Ideally my husband should have no worries on the home front because I have everything taken care of. That’s always my goal. I just need to keep the moodswings at bay.

I want to enjoy as much time as I can on my pretty, cozy backporch. Our next house doesn’t have a screened in porch – or an ocean view on one side. To leave that wonderful space unappreciated on my last week here would be a travesty.

Ray of Light

Later this week I might do a clean along with some of the girls from Instagram. It’s fun to work with others. I’m also drawing up my packing list. This morning I had Angelica work on clearing stuff she doesn’t need out of the studio. I’ve been doing the same. I put out two big sterilites with stuff on the curb. I gave up my stamp collection. I want to be more streamlined.

Comfy

Apr1

My wheelchair with the seat cushion my husband bought for it is comfortable. Very. We’ve been at Busch Gardens since they opened this morning. My wonderful husband wheels me around to shady places to relax in while he and A ride the rides. She went on her first rollercoaster today! I’m so proud of her.

This wheelchair is comfortable. My husband got me leg/foot rests, a cup and phone holder, and two storage bags. I brought my Kindle with me, and I have been reading all day. When I’m not reading, I’m writing. I’ve made great progress in the book I’m working on. I feel so inspired.

My current favorite reads are a book on cell communication and an anthology of experimental writing from the South. The anthology is absolutely inspiring. There have been a few pieces in it I haven’t enjoyed, but there have been others that awakened my higher senses. The book on cell and microbe communication is thrilling, to say the least. I find that stuff fascinating.

The wheelchair is having an interesting effect I did not expect. I haven’t been anxious at all or had a mood swing in the loud, crowded theme park all day. I feel safe and invisible in my wheelchair. I am anxiety free. It is truly strange. Normally a day at Busch Gardens this long would be a pretty bad day for me. Panic attacks and mood swings would be big. But off my hurting, damaged ankle, in a comfy chair steered by someone I trust more than anyone else in the world, I am at happy equilibrium. No anxiety at all. Happy mood all day. The whole family is having fun. I feel enclosed and safe. The normal overwhelm I feel in super crowded places is completely absent.

Day one of vacation has been sublime!

Big Cleaning Day

Mar12

Although I was still sick, I was doing a little better, and I cleaned the house like crazy. Dusting, laundry, organizing, dishes, picking up, cleaning bathrooms etc. Disinfecting things felt good. I want to chase the sick out of the house.

I got 150 zink photo paper stickers recently, and I have been printing my photos on them with my Canon Ivy Printer. The journaling and scrapbooking possibilities are endless. Some of my photos I am sticking in my 12×12 scrapbook. The paper is plain, brown, and thick. I put photos, poems, and washi tape in it. I add glitter as well.

Today I have more to do. Unfortunately I am depressed, so things are slow going. Right now I’m trying to start the day with a little art therapy to improve my mood and lessen my anxiety. Collage and painting are both good for that, but I have decided to focus on collage this morning. I’m cutting and pasting away (digitally).

As you can see, I reorganized a small section of the library. It’s hard to keep the books in order because we have so many, and we add more all the time.

Stepping Back From the News

Mar7

I hate stress and love the soft life. Current events stress me out badly because I can see so much wrong being done, and I can’t fix it. What will be will be. I can’t control the world. I will vote and make a difference where I can, but losing sleep over it just leaves me high strung and exhausted. Things are bad in the West right now. Both my nation and my nation’s allies are under attack, and the enemy is coming from the inside. But the Bible says a godly woman laughs with no fear of the future. I can’t do that as long as I pay too much attention to the news. Jesus is coming back. That’s all I should worry about. Having a child is scary these days though. As leftists lie and extort their way to the top, it’s hard to envision a good future for my daughter. That scares me. But praying and voting are really the only two things I can do.

When my husband comes home, I want to be calm and serene, not upset or concerned or angry. News media is psychologically taxing these days. I honestly don’t know what scarier, the news outlets that lie or the ones who are telling the truth. It’s all pretty horrifying. I can only hope men will be men and stand up for what’s right.

I have dinner ready for my husband when he gets home. I’m washing towels. I did dishes. But mostly I am resting today. My chest and head and ears and eyes hurt. I’m tired. I need to get my mind off the things I can’t control, like an open border and a traitor president, and onto things I can, like reading my TBR books and making my home cozy for my family.

Radical, Sweet Softness

Jan27

I have decided to embrace a radical softness. I want to be serene, gentle, and sweet. No more harboring anger or getting stressed out or being impatient.

Obviously I don’t mean the feminist form of radical softness. I don’t believe in toxic masculinity for starters, and furthermore, this is all about femininity.

I want to express my emotions honestly. Crying sucks, and I cry a lot during sad movies. I’m tired of being ashamed of that and trying to hide it. I’m a woman. I cry easily. That shouldn’t bother anybody. I will let the tears flow.

I will not hold grudges. I’ve been working on this for a long time. It’s a difficult subject because the flesh wants to hold grudges, and I have had a lot of anger to deal with stemming from my childhood. But I am giving it all to God as best as I can, and the goal is to be free of anger completely.

Occasionally, I raise my voice. From now on, I don’t want to do that. I want to speak softly and walk through the world softly. The old quote is “walk softly and carry a big stick.” I will walk softly, and my husband can weild the big stick. No pun intended. I don’t mind civil debates, but I will not argue with people. Peace is so beautiful, and I want all the peace I can get. I also want to be my man’s peace. How can I be a source of peace for my husband if I am not peaceful and at peace myself? My soul gets restless, but now I want to bask only in contentment.

Patience is a virtue everyone should try to achieve, and I want to be as patient as possible. Whether I’m driving, dealing with the government, or working with my child, I want to personify patience.

My 2024 goal (the big, overarching one) is to embrace softness and femininity. The goal is to just be radically at peace. In the end, everything is in God’s hand anyway. It’s time to let go of stress and worry. It’s time to stop pretending to be made of steel when inside, I am a prairie of wildflowers. I want to be free. So I am going to embrace radical softness until my being is an embodiment of it.

Cleaning Schedule

Jan19

I am thinking of creating a more solid cleaning schedule. As it stands, I just do things as I can when they need to be done – like picking up before my husband gets home, cooking dinner, or mopping floors. But a schedule might help me keep the house extra clean and inspire me to be productive even when I am really not doing well.

I have found an app that does this called Sweepy, but some of the functions I want are only on the paid version and I am not sure yet if it is worth it. Are there any good free cleaning apps? I don’t know yet.

I want to clean more than just my house, though. I want a pure mind and heart. To that end I will be praying and studying scripture more.

Company, Tablecloth, Rosary

Nov22

After picking up the groceries this morning, I invited one of my friends over for a morning of reality tv. It’s fun to make fun of it all. We had a lovely morning, but I had to cut it short due to anxiety. I really hate it when that happens.

Since then, I have been cleaning and painting. I listen to youtube while I clean the dishes. Now I’m taking the tablecloth off the living room table to wash it. I try to do that regularly to clean the dust out of it. I really want a new tablecloth now, though, so I don’t know if I will put this one back on or not. I want a different color, or maybe a floral pattern. Now that Bed, Bath, and Beyond is gone, I need to find other sources of tablecloths.

New element of home decor in the living room. I have a gorgeous rosary made with rainbow Swarovski crystal beads, and I have hung it on the window. When the light hits it in the evening, it sparkles in every color. I like to keep beautiful objects of faith in the house. My husband often brings me back beautiful crosses and other wonderful things from Central and South America. He’s so amazing. He’s the best husband imaginable.