Archives

Sick Day

Apr21

I have been throwing up a lot since I woke up today. I feel sweaty and weak and tired. At this point I’m just hoping I can keep my medicine down tonight.

Yesterday we went to a restaurant we won’t have around any more when we move. We grabbed ice cream too.

This coming week is my last full week in this house. I’m trying to be positive. This is a great move for my husband. I need to make the most of it and try to be at my best. Ideally my husband should have no worries on the home front because I have everything taken care of. That’s always my goal. I just need to keep the moodswings at bay.

I want to enjoy as much time as I can on my pretty, cozy backporch. Our next house doesn’t have a screened in porch – or an ocean view on one side. To leave that wonderful space unappreciated on my last week here would be a travesty.

Ray of Light

Later this week I might do a clean along with some of the girls from Instagram. It’s fun to work with others. I’m also drawing up my packing list. This morning I had Angelica work on clearing stuff she doesn’t need out of the studio. I’ve been doing the same. I put out two big sterilites with stuff on the curb. I gave up my stamp collection. I want to be more streamlined.

Big Cleaning Day

Mar12

Although I was still sick, I was doing a little better, and I cleaned the house like crazy. Dusting, laundry, organizing, dishes, picking up, cleaning bathrooms etc. Disinfecting things felt good. I want to chase the sick out of the house.

I got 150 zink photo paper stickers recently, and I have been printing my photos on them with my Canon Ivy Printer. The journaling and scrapbooking possibilities are endless. Some of my photos I am sticking in my 12×12 scrapbook. The paper is plain, brown, and thick. I put photos, poems, and washi tape in it. I add glitter as well.

Today I have more to do. Unfortunately I am depressed, so things are slow going. Right now I’m trying to start the day with a little art therapy to improve my mood and lessen my anxiety. Collage and painting are both good for that, but I have decided to focus on collage this morning. I’m cutting and pasting away (digitally).

As you can see, I reorganized a small section of the library. It’s hard to keep the books in order because we have so many, and we add more all the time.

Dr Appointments, Diet, Mania

Dec7

I went to the GI doctor today. He thinkd, based on imaging that was done on me when I was in the hospital, that there might be something wrong with my liver. I have to get an MRI soon. Hopefully it’s nothing. I also have other problems they found, but I likely won’t have surgery for them, which is good. He also gave me more nausea medicine for the daily vomiting. It is a big help usually.

The doctor also gave me a talking to about watching my health now. He was pleased that I don’t drink or smoke, but not so much about my weight or lack of cardio. So now I am back on a diet. Additionally, I’ll start using my dance apps to work out harder and more often. My husband might get us a rowing machine too, so we can both work out at home.

Tomorrow I see my psychiatrist. I have no idea how to describe the past weeks. Especially this past week. I had a brief period of mania. I am coming down now. I’m ok. But I had a massive swing recently.

I ordered a nice clear makeup organizer to sort my pastels into the 11 basic colors (I know Russian, Hebrew, and Italian have 12 colors because they count light blue and dark blue as separate colors). It took a while because some colors were hard to categorize, and there were over 300 of them.

I got this book as well. Going through the color palettes is so enjoyable. I buy every book on color that I can find. I have everything from Alexander Theroux’s wonderful essays on color in two volumes called The Primary Colors and The Secondary Colors, respectively, to Pantone books, and others. I need more, if anyone can recommend one I don’t have. I’m sure there’s more out there.

I am taking notes again to do a type of digital commonplace book to record what I learn and remember it. I use a note app that lets you choose any color for your note, of course! I’ve also revamped my mind atlas project on Evernote. I love the way Evernote makes it so easy to clip and organize a variety of media.

Failure

Sep19

Right now I feel like a failure because my father in law came, last minute and a week early, to help me. I am having mental health issues, and it’s making survival difficult. I can’t drive today. Surprisingly, it isn’t because of my swollen eyelid. That’s coming from something else. Not sure what.

I am manic. I can’t drive. So Dad does the school pickups and dropoffs. I really appreciate him.

It’s hard to have a mental illness, or any chronic illness. Sometimes you have to accept help. My husband and I are tremendously lucky that my inlaws are so helpful. I just feel guilty needing it.

More articles coming soon.

ECT is Killing Me

Aug8

I started ECT the Monday before yesterday. I have to get up and out the door by 430 am. It takes them about an hour to give everyone an IV, put the electrode things on them, etc. Then they go one by one and zap us. The machine makes a weird, fast beeping sound when they electrocute people. Of course, I don’t hear them zap me. I am under anesthesia for that. But I hear them zap others.

Yesterday my memory got really, really bad. I feel somewhat better today, but still not good. I feel cut off from my personality and thoughts. It’s a dull, painful, sickening feeling. But hopefully after 3 (!) More weeks of this I will be feeling like a new person. That’s the dream.

My creative work is suffering. I am grateful for the opportunity, but this really sucks.

ECT or TMS

Jun22

I have a consultation next week for ECT. Yes, that ECT. Electroconvulsive therapy. I hate that it has come to this, but after the disaster in Panama I need to come to terms with the fact I’m not a functional person. So much of my living is impaired by mental illness.

The reason I’m still on the fence is the memory loss. I am so afraid of losing important memories I currently have, or hindering my ability to produce new ones. I would prefer TMS (which is magnetic), but have been rejected for it on the grounds that it hasn’t been proven safe and effective with true Bipolar patients (ie ones with mania and hypomania). The doctor is going to review the literature we sent her on the subject and think about it, but most likely I have been ruled out.

I can use journaling, my digital diary, and my blogs to help store memories, but I want to have the contents of my mind. Who are you without your memories? If I start ECT, I will have to become religious with writing things down.

Panama Has Been a Nightmare

Jun15

I have not done one single activity with the wives. Right now I am supposed to be going to the Presidential Palace to meet the First Lady. I long to go, but my anxiety is too high and my mood too unstable. I have been suicidal most of the trip. Now that the romantic portion of the trip is over, and my husband is working all day, I hide in my hotel room all day long. The first hotel we stayed at, the one in Casco Viejo, had a balcony. This hotel does not. But the hallway outside the room is open air with a small ledge, and it would be so easy to jump. I’ve gotten really close and started to put my leg over the side.

I hate this. I want to meet the First Lady. I want to make friends with the other wives. I want to go shopping. But at the end of the day I can’t seem to stay stable for more than an hour at a time. Tomorrow we are traveling until 2 am and I don’t know how I will function. This is not the trip I dreamed of, and I am not the wife I wanted to be. Yesterday families went to the canal. Craig went alone and took videos for me. It was sweet of him to do, but I feel so sad. I wanted to go.

This morning I drank water while Craig had breakfast. Now he’s working and I’m alone.

Sometimes Things Don’t Work Out

Jun11

I’m writing this from Casco Viejo in Panama. I am doing badly. Leaving the hotel room is a struggle. Twice I have had panic attacks in public. Mental illness is very real.

This week my husband has work to do. Our romantic vacation ends tomorrow and we go to a different hotel in another part of the city. While he works, I am supposed to do activities with the other wives. One day we are supposed to go shopping at a mall. The next day, and I was really looking forward to this, we are supposed to go to the Presidential Palace and meet the First Lady. More than likely, now I will not do either of these things. Instead I will stay in my hotel room alone.

Sadness weighs me down. I long so much to be normal and do all the things normal people do, but I can’t. I feel bad for my husband, who is usually so patient with me, but even he lost his temper last night. Being married to someone with Bipolar 1 Disorder and anxiety is rough.

My physical limitations have also come into play. At the Atlanta airport Craig had to push me in a wheelchair because I was unable to walk. It was humiliating. But I can’t walk more than about a block without pain.

At the end of it all, I feel like a disappointment and a recluse.

Sometimes I Fail

May9

Some days are just hard. Bipolar Disorder takes no vacations. It’s full time 365 days a year. Today I have not showered, let alone cleaned the house. I took Angelica to and from school and took care of the dogs. That was about all I could do.

I want to be honest about that because I talk a lot about the importance of homemaking. I strive to inspire myself and others to do better. But sometimes I need a day off. I think we all do. Whether mental or physical, we all get sick sometimes. Sometimes people just get burned out. Days off are not ideal, but they happen. You have to let yourself be human. When I worked in an office I took sick days. It made my coworkers mad, but I was not walking the two miles and then taking the bus required to get there while I had a high fever, head pain, and could barely talk.

However, I have a responsibility to do everything I can to bounce back. To that end, I am writing here. Blogging gives me satisfaction. I really enjoy it. I am also editing old photos and turning on the tv. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day. To all my fellow wives and moms who are not scraping by today, I see you. I hear you. I pray your tomorrow is sunnier than your today.

On My Own

Mar31

My husband had been gone for a couple of days, and I have been on my own. Normally, my father in law comes to help, but since this is a short trip, I didn’t want to ask him to come all the way down here. So, I have been toughing it out on my own.

Military wives do this all the time, but for me it is complicated by a serious case of Bipolar. Bipolar makes it hard for me to be on my own. My husband returns tonight after bedtime, and I will be so relieved when he arrives. I am not doing great.

Still, the trip was a success for me as well. I went to Mass with my daughter at her school and heard her sing. Then I had a new friend over who was absolutely fascinating. After school pickup, I took Angelica for Taco Bell. Then in the evening my new nook came. It took the men an hour to get it in the house and set up, but it’s gorgeous and homey.

Today I did a simple abstract painting on fabric. I also did a bit of abstract photography. But mostly I just laid down because I don’t feel well. Yesterday took it out of me.

My father in law may not have come to stay with us, but he has provided a listening ear for my breakdowns, which I appreciate. Being able to get by on my own sometimes is important. I don’t want to burden my family. Bipolar Disorder just makes everything so difficult, particularly because I am a rapid cycler.