Archive | June 2023

ECT or TMS

Jun22

I have a consultation next week for ECT. Yes, that ECT. Electroconvulsive therapy. I hate that it has come to this, but after the disaster in Panama I need to come to terms with the fact I’m not a functional person. So much of my living is impaired by mental illness.

The reason I’m still on the fence is the memory loss. I am so afraid of losing important memories I currently have, or hindering my ability to produce new ones. I would prefer TMS (which is magnetic), but have been rejected for it on the grounds that it hasn’t been proven safe and effective with true Bipolar patients (ie ones with mania and hypomania). The doctor is going to review the literature we sent her on the subject and think about it, but most likely I have been ruled out.

I can use journaling, my digital diary, and my blogs to help store memories, but I want to have the contents of my mind. Who are you without your memories? If I start ECT, I will have to become religious with writing things down.

SciFi Dream Girl

Jun20

What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

I use intellect rather than emotion. The foundation of my faith is intellectual belief, not loving or feeling loved by God. Loving God or reminding myself He loves me is a good thing to remember to do from time to time, but it isn’t my focus. I value truth more than love. I often fail to add love to my judgments or warmth to my devotion. Yet God, I am so devoted to you and your namesake, now and forever.

Agoraphobia?

Jun20

I’m back at home now after a terrible trip to Panama. I was on the phone with my health coach today, and she suggested that my experience sounded like agoraphobia. My reactions to cities and other busy places aren’t normal.

I feel worn out and defeated. The life of travel I dreamed of won’t happen. I’m too mentally ill to live the life I want.

Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll pull an Emily Dickinson and not go out at all. Somehow I need to rally and get back to driving and shopping again. Angelica should be able to get her nails done.

Photography will always be important to me, so I have to find things at home and locally to focus on. I’m determined not to let my life be more limited than it has to be.

Please God help me interact with the world and live a life of meaning.

My Parents Threatened to Take Me to Court

Jun16

What notable things happened today?

Last night I wrote a memoir piece about my childhood, and I got a notification that someone had commented. It was my parents. They were threatening to get an attorney if I write anything more about my abusive childhood. Then they went on to insult me for taking psychiatric drugs (I have Bipolar 1 that may be in part from the abuse and trauma I suffered at the hands of my mother, so I have to take meds to survive). They also compared me to my well balanced and successful sister. You know, the one who lives alone with her cats because she doesn’t have a man and doesn’t have any children? While I have been happily married for 10 years and have a beautiful daughter and live my dream life.

Here is the original post, should you care to check it out. http://moonbowmuseum.com/2023/06/15/writing-an-autobiography/

Thoughts are welcome. It’s on my poetry blog, which I don’t keep up to date as often as I mean to. But I intend to start. That malignant narcissist and her flying monkey think they can keep me quiet, but they can’t. But it’s not every day you wake up to a message from former family threatening to get a lawyer.

Trans Women Are Men

Jun15

I made a post on Instagram saying that, and it got deleted as hate speech that incites violence. Evidently saying that having a dick precludes you from being a woman is hate speech now, and saying you won’t play along is akin to violence. So I’ll say it here. Trans women are men. And to be more honest, while I wouldn’t advocate for violence against anyone, they ought to be institutionalized.

I’m going to go downstairs and go out shopping in the city and buy thousands of dollars in purses and wallets. And the store clerks better let me because I identify as a rich woman. I’m transfinancial. And that’s no more stupid than what transgender people say. If you were born with a d*** you’re not a woman and no amount of playing dress up and slapping some make up on your ugly masculine face is going to change that.

Panama Has Been a Nightmare

Jun15

I have not done one single activity with the wives. Right now I am supposed to be going to the Presidential Palace to meet the First Lady. I long to go, but my anxiety is too high and my mood too unstable. I have been suicidal most of the trip. Now that the romantic portion of the trip is over, and my husband is working all day, I hide in my hotel room all day long. The first hotel we stayed at, the one in Casco Viejo, had a balcony. This hotel does not. But the hallway outside the room is open air with a small ledge, and it would be so easy to jump. I’ve gotten really close and started to put my leg over the side.

I hate this. I want to meet the First Lady. I want to make friends with the other wives. I want to go shopping. But at the end of the day I can’t seem to stay stable for more than an hour at a time. Tomorrow we are traveling until 2 am and I don’t know how I will function. This is not the trip I dreamed of, and I am not the wife I wanted to be. Yesterday families went to the canal. Craig went alone and took videos for me. It was sweet of him to do, but I feel so sad. I wanted to go.

This morning I drank water while Craig had breakfast. Now he’s working and I’m alone.

10 Reasons I Can’t Live Without My Phone

Jun12

What’s the one luxury you can’t live without?

Like a lot of people, my phone is a luxury I can’t live without. Here are ten reasons why.

1. I use phone apps to create collage art.

2. Photography. I have taken thousands of photos on my phone.

3. Document scanning.

4. Instagram

5. Word processor. I write my poetry on my phone.

6. Youtube. I watch a ton of channels with everything from historical documentaries to antimlm videos.

7. Wondrium. I adore Wondrium. It outs thousands of lectures by college professors right at my fingertips.

8. Skillshare. So many skills to learn!

9. Podcasts. There are some podcasts I really like, and I rely on my phone to access them.

10. Texting. I won’t add calling to the list because I hate phone calls. But I love to text my friends.

11. WordPress. I have so many blogs!

Long story short, as a creative person and constant learner, I rely on my phone to connect me to creative outlets and ideas as much as I do people.

Sometimes Things Don’t Work Out

Jun11

I’m writing this from Casco Viejo in Panama. I am doing badly. Leaving the hotel room is a struggle. Twice I have had panic attacks in public. Mental illness is very real.

This week my husband has work to do. Our romantic vacation ends tomorrow and we go to a different hotel in another part of the city. While he works, I am supposed to do activities with the other wives. One day we are supposed to go shopping at a mall. The next day, and I was really looking forward to this, we are supposed to go to the Presidential Palace and meet the First Lady. More than likely, now I will not do either of these things. Instead I will stay in my hotel room alone.

Sadness weighs me down. I long so much to be normal and do all the things normal people do, but I can’t. I feel bad for my husband, who is usually so patient with me, but even he lost his temper last night. Being married to someone with Bipolar 1 Disorder and anxiety is rough.

My physical limitations have also come into play. At the Atlanta airport Craig had to push me in a wheelchair because I was unable to walk. It was humiliating. But I can’t walk more than about a block without pain.

At the end of it all, I feel like a disappointment and a recluse.