Glory to God! This morning I made my first confession, did my first penance, was confirmed in the Catholic Church, and took First Communion. I was anointed with oil. C came from work to be with me, as did my sponsor. I got a saint! I am now going to try to cultivate my relationship with Hildegard of Bingen. I asked her to pray for me and to help me live like her. She was a mystic and devoted to the arts. Her life is an example of how God can inspire creativity in people, and they can use that to worship Him and celebrate Him.
I might start going to confession weekly, so that I can take communion weekly. For years, I believed in the real presence of the Eucharist, and going to protestant churches was frustrating because I knew that to everyone there it was just a symbol. And it hadn’t been blessed by a priest, so it was. But of course, until you are a member, you cannot take communion at the Catholic Church even if you believe in the real presence. I had to confess in the confessional today that I did once when I was a teenager or somewhere around there take communion at a Catholic church anyways. I wanted to experience Jesus, and I felt like they were gatekeeping Him and I was immature and angry and excited and I went up and took communion. Now I understand why not everyone can take communion at the Catholic Church. Even catholics can’t if they have sin they’ve not repented of and confessed. But even better, I understood that I could come to the Catholic Church and be a member. I went through phases when I was younger of being a deist and then went on to staunch Protestantism I was mostly raised in. This presented me with a conundrum. I did not agree with their beliefs about the Eucharist, but I thought that they were right in everything else. And that the catholic church was corrupt, and that they were idolatrous. So what do you do when you think they’re right about something so important, but at the same time the message you’ve received is that they are wrong about everything else? It wasn’t until my late twenties that something inside me cracked open and I started to consider catholicism.
The contraception issue kept me away for a long time. That’s still a difficult issue and I have to continue to confess and pray. When the issue isn’t just I don’t feel like having another baby, but more like I might blow my head off while I’m pregnant if I get pregnant again, it’s kind of hard to not use any contraception. Pregnancy makes my already very difficult issues with bipolar, much worse and most of the drugs available to treat bipolar cannot be taken while you are pregnant. If it was just an issue of time, I have plenty of time to take care of another child. And we have the resources. I just don’t have the mental health.
But today, after confessing, I feel lighter. I cried in Confession. After 37 years, there was, unfortunately, much to be confessed. I confessed out loud to the priest what I’ve never thought I would tell anybody. He was kind. Father C is always very sweet, gracious, and charitable. I’m sure there were sins.I forgot and I kept adding sins in when he thought I was done and began to talk. But from what I understand if you genuinely don’t remember the sin when you go to the confessional, it’s still forgiven.
The Hail Mary prayer just popped in my head. It is beautiful. Catholicism properly honors Mary as queen of heaven, and as a result, lent dignity to women as a whole. Many complain about women, not being able to be priests. But women can be nuns. I am happily married and grateful to be so, but if I were not married I could see the beauty in joining a religious order.
I still long for a community of creative, prayerful Catholics where we can sharpen our creative work together and sharpen our souls as iron sharpens iron. I have not found it. But my saint, Hildegard of Bingen, founded a monastery. Maybe one day I can get something off the ground too.
Thank you Jesus for finding your wayward, searching daughter and bringing her home.
Life at Home 