Tomorrow in OCIA we’re supposed to talk about nitty gritty practical stuff like mortal sin and being open to life. At times I feel sad to think of the sons and daughters I could have had. I feel guilty that A is an only child. I’m going to ask to chat with the priest in private. I do not feel strong enough to have more children, and I have an irregular cycle so tracking fertility accurately would be a nightmare. And people I’ve known who have used Natural Family Planning have had at least one accidental child. My health just can’t handle that.
Societally, I see the problem with contraception. The falling birth rate shows that when people use contraception as a common part of culture, society can collapse. Right now many countries are below replacement birth rate. We need to not be selfish and have children because they’re good and necessary. However, I don’t want to be first in line to volunteer. I’m happy with my little only. More importantly, I don’t think I can go through pregnancy or care for another child. I’m firmly against abortion, so if I got pregnant I would, of course, have the baby. But it would probably destroy me.
Beyond being open to life and required to go to Mass and fast, most of it is in line with what I already believed. Catholicism requires a devotion I find beautiful. I’ve been listening to Gregorian chants on Hallow and I love them. I got permission from a priest to attend weekday Mass instead of Sunday if my anxiety is high or my mood is really bad. Weekday Mass is so calm and quiet. This week I think I will go on Wednesday. I’d like to go to Adoration too.
Fasting will be new to me. I’m a chubby girl, so it wouldn’t hurt me to fast. I think I’ll start with intermittent fasting. Maybe social media fasting too.
I need to keep my heart open to what Father C teaches tomorrow. But honestly, feeling forced to potentially have another baby is stressing me out. I know ultimately the decision of whether to use any form of contraception will fall to my husband. God put him in authority over me, and I can neither disobey nor be celibate. And C is not becoming Catholic, so he doesn’t share these beliefs. I’ll have to see what happens. There could be a baby in our future, but I really hope not.
Life at Home 