Panama Has Been a Nightmare

I have not done one single activity with the wives. Right now I am supposed to be going to the Presidential Palace to meet the First Lady. I long to go, but my anxiety is too high and my mood too unstable. I have been suicidal most of the trip. Now that the romantic portion of the trip is over, and my husband is working all day, I hide in my hotel room all day long. The first hotel we stayed at, the one in Casco Viejo, had a balcony. This hotel does not. But the hallway outside the room is open air with a small ledge, and it would be so easy to jump. I’ve gotten really close and started to put my leg over the side.

I hate this. I want to meet the First Lady. I want to make friends with the other wives. I want to go shopping. But at the end of the day I can’t seem to stay stable for more than an hour at a time. Tomorrow we are traveling until 2 am and I don’t know how I will function. This is not the trip I dreamed of, and I am not the wife I wanted to be. Yesterday families went to the canal. Craig went alone and took videos for me. It was sweet of him to do, but I feel so sad. I wanted to go.

This morning I drank water while Craig had breakfast. Now he’s working and I’m alone.