Today I attended OCIA. My two classmates were both out, as was Father C, so M taught me a lesson on the sacraments. I found out I can’t get my marriage convalidated (word choice?) Because to do so, you must agree to raise your children Catholic. My deeply Methodist husband will never go for that, which I understand. I never asked to raise our daughter Catholic (because I wasn’t Catholic) and she’s almost a teenager now. It’s a little late. Moreover, my husband is the spiritual leader of our home. Where our child attends church is up to him, as is where I attend. I got my husband’s permission to explore the Catholic faith. He does not wish to raise our daughter Catholic, and I have to accept that. That’s ok. Obeying my husband is important as is marital harmony. I will not complain if I’m the only one at Mass.
I got brave and did a thing…..I didn’t know that Father C wasn’t going to be teaching the class today, and I had brought in my two rosaries to be blessed. M saw them and said, “Let’s pray the rosary!” I have never in my life prayed the rosary because I never spoke to Mary before. As anyone raised in the Protestant tradition has probably had drilled into their heads, prayer to anyone but the Trinity is a one way ticket to hell. So it’s scary to do. Catholics regard Mary as a sort of spiritual mother, but my whole life she was a remote figure – a dimly glowing person in history who was special without doubt, but had nothing to do with anyone on earth today. This, for me, is a paradigm shift. It’s hard. I feel at home in Protestantism – its language, beliefs, community style, etc. Catholicism is a new place, and it’s hard to be in a spiritually new place in my late 30s. And to think I’m just switching from one side of the Christian faith to the other – the one I believe may be the root! I have so much respect for people who convert to Christianity from different faiths – especially Islam and Hinduism. It’s just so drastically different from what they come from, and being in an unfamiliar place is always at least a little scary. You have affection for the ways you grew up with because they’re sentimental, and you don’t yet feel at home where you are. It’s unnerving.
Anyways, he had me download the Hallow app, and we listened to someone read through the rosary, and I went around my rosary bead by bead. I used my rainbow swarovski crystal bead rosary. The particular shade of blue of one of the beads really made me think of Mary. It was a perfect aquamarine- a serene, light, pure blue. I connect to the world through color. I heard an NDE once where the person went to Heaven and saw colors that don’t exist on earth. I long to see those colors. I want to revel in the beauty of His glorious presence. I hope He will show me every color. I want to write poetry eternally. Poetry to God.
After OCIA, I ran home and ate. Then I went back to the chapel because Father C was starting Adoration. I didn’t stay super long, but it felt good to think that Christ was in the room and just pray. I prayed for guidance. If this is where the Lord wants me to be, I pray He will show me. If it isn’t, I pray He will show me that, too. But I prayed the rosary, and I don’t feel like I’m about to be eternally punished. I want to dig into my books on the saints and find a spiritual sponsor (although I need an earthly sponsor, too). I want to truly feel something for the saint and read any writings they have to see if it resonates. I feel rather overwhelmed. I need to commit to spiritual growth between now and Easter Vigil because that’s when I have to decide by. I’m committed. I’m taking this seriously.
Life at Home 