C is out of town for work for a few days, so it’s just A and I. I got some of that list done. I mopped and did laundry and reorganized stuff and read. But I definitely did not finish the list.
In the evening, A and I watch YouTube videos together and hang out. This morning, I did lectio divina with my friend Y, and then I went to Mass. The weekday mass is so peaceful. There were two of us, so I was less anxious. And no singing. My only wish is to take communion, but I can’t yet.
Spiritually, I am becoming more Catholic. I find myself wondering about purgatory, Mary, the saints. I want to attend Adoration once my church has it. My whole life, I have believed in the Eucharist, at least as far back as I can remember, in spite of my mostly protestant background. I heard the Protestant standard argument (Baptist leaning) and the Catholic one, and my sola scriptura led me to believe the Catholic doctrine before I lost my faith. (I did one year of CCD in 1st grade and learned nothing. My mom taught me about the Eucharist) However, the churches I attended lightly believed that communion was symbolic. When I was young, I didn’t know about the part where the priest is involved, and I liked to imagine my bread and grape juice might really be Jesus, though no one around me thought it was. I now, of course, understand that was silly. The only time I ever had the real body and blood was at a Catholic church as a young adult. I took communion when I wasn’t supposed to (I wanted the Real Presence), and now must confess that sin if I join the Catholic Church. That is looking more and more likely. Catholicism is growing like a flowering vine, making cracks in what once were my solid spaces.
I am, I think, getting deeper in my faith. I’m trying to find ways to put it in action. Next month, I’ve been invited to teach a seminar on Bible journaling to a homeschooling group. I am nervous to commit because of how erratic my moods have been, but I think I will because I feel so grateful to God for Bible journaling and I’ve asked God to use me with it in some way if He wills it. Bible journaling can be life changing, and I’d like to share it with others. I want to draw closer to God. It’s like I’m a moth, and all I want is to reach the pure light, but yet I keep rolling in the darkness of iniquity. I’ve become more aware of my sins. In general, I’ve always tried to be aware of where I fall short, but I have blindspots like everyone else. Some of them I’m starting to see. Going to confession sounds dreadful, but I know I will need to go. I am not decided on joining the Catholic Church for sure, but I’m leaning that way.
They were the first church. I find it hard to believe the church was wrong for 1500 years.
Life at Home 