Looking Ahead

I’m looking ahead to a lonely summer. My inlaws arrived yesterday. After they spend a few days here, they’re flying A back to Georgia with them. Honestly, my baby flying without me scares me. I will struggle to sleep for the 24 hours or so that she will be traveling. But after that initial, terrifying flight, she will be splitting her time between both sets of grandparents, not returning to us until August when it’s back to school time. I will go all summer without my baby. Loneliness is already kicking in. This is a sample of what empty nest syndrome is like. It hurts my heart. But I have to adjust.

We have moved so far away from the family that it is now extremely time consuming and expensive to get back home, which means that if I don’t let A stay with the family for a while we won’t get our money’s worth for the cost of travel, and she won’t get enough time with her grandparents. It isn’t as though she can fly back at Christmas time. So I’m giving up the summer with her so that C’s parents can still make memories with A while we live out here and so that my parents can reconnect with A. They’re getting extra time.

So what do I do this summer without a little person to take care of? Well, as soon as we get a house to live in, I’ll have cleaning to do. Here in the hotel I can do some light picking up but that’s about it. We go to look at a house on Friday. If we get that one, I might have a home to be in next week, and I’ll be back to cleaning and cooking. Truthfully, I’ve been enjoying the break from my domestic work, but it’ll be nice to get back into a routine. However, I need more than that. I need more than cleaning and cooking to make this a fun, fulfilling summer.

Art is going to be critical. Many of my supplies are packed up with the movers, and I’m not sure how soon our stuff will arrive. But I’ll make the most of the supplies I was able to fly with. I incorporate creativity into my life daily to help me cope with Bipolar. Committing to a daily art practice will keep me sane. So my first goal is to make some art every day like I did back in DC.

I want to pick up a daily photography practice, especially film. I love instant film and cheap toy film cameras. Each day I should get some film photos, though that will involve getting some more film shipped to me. I think I have a 10 pack of instax square film and that’s it. Film photography is important to me. I should have brought more film. But I also want to take daily digital snapshots I can layer with digital paintings to create mood infused images of my daily life. I can also use film effect editing apps on my shots for an aged feel without having to wait for my camera collection to arrive. So basically, I will be taking at least a photo a day with or without a film camera, focusing on film once my stuff arrives.

In the midst of this, I will work on writing my book, which I may publish as a substack newsletter. Substack is an interesting platform. It allows you to charge for your publication, but I don’t know how I would feel about monetizing my writing. On one hand, it would be nice to have some monthly subscription money coming in to fund my writing. But on the other hand, I think times are really hard right now, and I just appreciate the people who take the time to read my poetry on my writing blog. I don’t mind giving my work out for free. I just want it to be read. So asking for a subscription seems a bit….fancy. But maybe if I post work on the substack that I don’t post anywhere else, and I post often, it would be an interesting way to distribute my writing that might really resonate with some.  I could publish a poetry zine each month, do chapbooks quarterly, or just publish a poem a week and collect them into “books.” To figure this all out, I need to sit down and make my first substack to see what is possible.

Reading is going to be the backbone of a day well spent this summer. Learning and staying inspired are important to me, both because I enjoy keeping my mind active and because I wish to stay interesting to my husband. He has a professional job, and I want to be no less interesting than the smart people he works with. So my goal is to read an hour a day. I know that sounds luxurious, but I should be able to carve the time out of my schedule to make learning and inspiration priorities.

Daily Bible journaling is also on my schedule. I want to draw closer to God this summer. I have a lot weighing on my heart right now, and I know that I should draw closer to Him in the midst of these things, not pull further away, even though that’s what human instinct wants me to do. I need to take my pens, highlighters, and paints, and get into the Word. It needs to be a priority, whether I feel well or not.

Looking at this list, I realize that this summer will essentially be my normal life, but the fun stuff will be ramped up because I will have a lot of time alone. The only real difference is that I may take on added pressure by starting a substack, which would force me to produce poems regularly regardless of my health. That could be a good thing or a bad thing. My photography practice will increase, as currently I can go days without taking a picture. It’s going to be about dedicating enough of my time and myself to the things that make me happy to give me a sense of joy when I’m away from my baby, who will soon grow up and build her own joyful life. Whereas I may nornally spend 10 minutes painting, I may now spend an hour. Whereas my writing used to be the little thing in my back pocket, it may now be important.